Seto's Guide to Dissing People
by Death T-2
Summary: [DT2's fun specialty] Are you irritated at enemies, but don't know how to insult? This is the simple guidethat tells you how diss effectively without any hassles.
1. Lesson One

I give you, directly from Seto Kaiba himself [my clone, anyway], Seto's Guide to Dissing People. Written by a master disser, you should have no problem being disrespectful to people you don't like, random people you don't know, and/or people seemingly dissier than yourself.  
  
Seto: This was basically put together after I met geeks like Yugi; I just didn't think to put it up until now.  
  
D T-2: He gave it to me, and I show it to you. Though I have to translate it for "Dummies" out there. ________________________________________________________  
  
Getting Started  
  
The first thing you do is gather the supplies that you will need in order to diss properly.  
  
- Bakura's Book of Threats by Bakura and Jessica Messenger of the Devil; There are valuble ideas in there. You'll probably end up using alot of them as backup for threats in this book.  
  
- Tons of money (from the country of your choice); for intimidation.  
  
- Dead-sexy good looks; for intimidation and fangirls/guys. If you don't have any, use the money mentioned above to get plastic surgery.  
  
- Lots of wealthy-person stuff; you gotta have something to backup the idea you're rich, like a mansion and servants and limos and junk.  
  
- Media attention; used properly it can get you out of tough jams and make your opponent look like the idiot they really are. But be careful, the tables can turn either way.  
  
- Physical skills; this is absolutely optional. It doesn't matter if you can slice a rock open with a wooden sword or not, but it would make you more intimidating.  
  
Note: Even if you don't have ninja moves or whatever, you must, must must must, NOT look like a geek. Ask yorself, "Would I succomb to a bean pole with a pizza face?" I think not. If this does apply to you, look at numbers 2 and 3 of the supplies on your list.  
  
- Brains; for outsmarting/dissing/humiliating your opponent. Yes, you need an IQ higher than road pizza to safely diss people; or at the very least the IQ of a beaver.  
  
- A dictionary; to forcefully use smart-people words, such as abulia, eurypterid, and superfecundation. -) *winkwink, nudgenudge*  
  
- A book of witty comments, containing sayings like, "If that's what you do to an opponent, I'd HATE to be your friend!" and, "Is that your dog? Oh, wait, it's just *name target's best friend*."  
  
- A comedian's book; this, too, is absolutely optional. A book of this kind, though, is pretty much filled with smart- alicky remarks, which will come in handy later.  
  
- A tape recorder; for practicing growls, threats, evil laughs, etc.  
  
If you do not readily have the supplies needed, buy them with your vast sums of richness. If you don't even have an adequate amount of money, use the schemes in Bakura's Book of Threats to become filthy rich (as myself, though I got my sums of richness from legal inheritance by death of stepfather).  
  
Do you now have all of the necessary supplies needed? Including the dead-sexy good looks? Good, now we move on to the first lesson...  
  
Lesson One: Look and Sound Menacing  
  
As is obvious, we start with the basics. For this lesson, you will need a mirror and the tape recorder. If you don't have a mirror; what kind of mansion are you living in? You cheapsteak |-P.  
  
Now, look into the mirror and practice the ever-easy "hauty" look. Yes, that's right, "the hauty look", putting down people is easier if you believe that you are better than anyone else, and trust me; if you have tons of money that automatically makes you better than anyone, unless they have more money than you which means you aren't rich enough [FYI: Give up now you'll never be as rich as me].  
  
If you have the hauty look; you're looking at everyone like you know something they don't and smirking about it. Got it? Now say something into the tape recorder, something like, "It's a good thing you're only temporary help, because you absolutely SUCK at this!" And say it like you really mean it. And for crap's sake, use the hauty look with this, there's nothing stupider than someone who says that and looks like they want a pretty pink pony for Christmas. Practice the look in combination with the saying until you get it just right (when you feel inferior to the mirror and tape, then snap back when you remember it's you), then try it out on a plumber or someone.  
  
As soon as you have successfully given random repairmen bad days, we can move on to the next lesson, Building Up Your Image.  
  
Note: Make sure that the repairmen are actually men. Men can take mouthing off, whereas women have sensitive feelings and cry easily; and you don't want to go softie on your first lesson.  
  
Exercise: For future combos with various insults, dissrespectfull glances, and so-called "evil" looks; gather some movies that heve the old "good guy vs. bad guy" plot. These movies are chock-full of character dissing towards the hero, and will give you a good idea of what to look for in a target. 


	2. Lesson Two

Thank you guys for the reviews! This will inspire MORE. :-)  
  
Seto: I knew this was a good idea! But I still rule... __________________________________________________________  
  
Lesson Two: Building Up Your Image  
  
Part One  
  
You've (probobly) figured out by now that you need a name of some sort, just to say you're someone. You just can't say to some random drunk on the street that they're a ransid freak, they're gonna most likely ask who you think you are. But please, don't say something like, "I'm Bobby Heatheran, why do you ask?" or, "The guy that works at the Texico station." It is times like these that you will need a reputation, not just being rich. [I remember this one guy that lived across the street from the orphanage. He had EVERYTHING, never did find out what his name was.]  
  
But no worries, even if you are Bobby Heatheran that works at the Texico station, I'll tell you how to get a (good) reputation.  
  
Step 1- If you make less than $50,000 a year, quit your job and get a better one. Or become a tomb thief. Remember, you're supposed to be filthy rich with servants and stuff; not an infidel that looks like a bum.  
  
Step 2- Buy lots and lots of stuff even if you don't need it, and make sure the general/local public know about it. Word should soon catch on that there's a millionare in the city, and the news casters will probably want an interview.  
  
NOTE: This is the first and most important impression that you will give to the media, so be EXTREMELY carefull when answering the questions. And if you have a southern accent, please get rid of it; it's very annoying. [Hopefully you caught that _^]  
  
Step 3- Give them the interview. When you do it tell them about a hard childhood (you were always poor), remarkable comeback (you won a lottery or something), and charitable plans for the future. And when I say charitable, I mean you're gonna do something that people are going to look up to; such as inventing a really cool technological toy that computer geeks will want to buy, no matter what the price. In short, charitable to yourself; BUT FOR CRAP'S SAKE DON'T SAY THAT TO THE MEDIA!!!!! Use something like the old "the happiness of the orphans" or whatever your "childhood" refers to. [But mind you that I can use this excuse truthfully because I was an orphan]. There are lots of childhood ideas in biographies of famous people.  
  
Step 4- Do it. Invent that technological toy or equally good idea, or pay/steal it from someone before it gets a patent. This will probably make you company [YOU NEED ONE!] the target of attention and talk of the town, and if they don't buy your junk make/get more untill people start buying it. A good way to do this is hold a tournament publicising your product(s), but just don't outright tell the public. No, that's WAY too simple and people won't be that interested if they don't like your stuff. Instead, make one of you servants to "spread rumors" about a really cool contest with an even cooler grand prize. This worked in Duelist Kingdom AND Battle City (you can use these as reference).  
  
Step 5- Now you've got a cool reputation! That was easy, now, wasn't it?  
  
Part Two  
  
Not only does your image rely on your reputation, but your looks as well. Here are some good pointers:  
  
- Wear lots of expensive and original clothes ALL the time, unless you go to a school that uses uniforms. Costom-made leather products are always attention getters.  
  
- Always stay ahead of the fashion craze. For example, if evryone has a dog collar on; you're wearing unnecessary buckles and belts.  
  
- If you MUST wear normal T-shirt and/or pants, make sure they are a designer line.  
  
IMPORTANT!: Don't get too caught up in clothing and eccessories or people will begin to think you're gay. YOU DON'T WANT THIS!!!!! -P  
  
- Get a really cool haircut that no one else has, something that is noticable.  
  
- If you get a tatto, get a nifty one; like dragons and skulls and stuff. And you might want to wear clothing that shows this off, unless you're underaged and depending on where it is located.  
  
- ALWAYS show off your facial features if you can help it. You need the fangirls/guy to hover about your every glance, supporting you and not your target [more on that later].  
  
- Never, ABSOLUTELY never, let anyone think you don't know what you're doing. Don't widen your eyes in shock when your TV turns on when you press the button, don't leave your mouth agape if you see "pictures" on the net, and don't cry if someone insults you. Insult them twenty times worse and/or get even with them. For example, if a random guy in the audience blurts out that you're the devil incarnate; don't hesitate to have him kicked out of the vicinity immediately. Then claim (with the most truthfull and apologetic look you can muster) that he/she is obviously insane and needs to go take some medicine from the nice men in white jackets/needs to be seen by the nice man that asks the personal questions.  
  
Exercise: Read the books that you gathered in Chapter 1, and get as far as you can with the dictionary. Then in your "contest" use these insulting ideas on your target/opponent [Hey, don't YOU want to make it to the finals?]. But don't take that comedian's book litterally, use the ideas of comebacks in case you find yourself in such a jam; but leave out the humor. 


	3. Lesson Three

Seto: Keep doing your homework and you'll keep getting better [hopefully]. But please keep in mind that these lessons are set at beginner mode now, and as you go throught the lessons you will notice that these lessons may be repeated- only harder.  
Notice: Some of these techniques are not shown in the anime or manga, which means you are reading an EXCLUSIVE. Yay for you.  
  
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Lesson Three: Choosing a target  
  
You know that to be a disser of any respect you need to diss someone, but now that you know the basics of how you don't know who to diss. In this lesson you get learn who is, and who isn't, a potential target. .  
You'll find that in your tournament many different kinds of people will appear. But this is a good thing. Take a good look at everyone, insulting them inside your head, looking for a target. If you have some sort of enemy or someone that you have a grudge against, go out of your way to diss them.  
  
What you want to look for in a target is something you'd spit out if they were a flavor. What I mean is if they look like they escaped from the circus, SAY IT. Or if they have the personality of a pinapple, DON'T HESITATE TO INSULT THEM TO THEIR FACE.  
  
Example: "Yugi Mouto must be on drugs, his hair is shaped like a marajuana leaf." or, "Your stupid friendship rants show me how retarded you really are."  
  
Here are a few tell-tale signs of a target: - They hang around with loser "friends".  
  
- They posess something of value; like a card or gold jewelry, or both.  
  
- They have a really weird style; like wearing the school uniform on the weekends.  
  
- They try to convert you to their group of "friends".  
  
- They have no idea that you are a billionare; even if you're in the same class.  
  
- There is a "goody two-shoes" air about them.  
  
- They have an annoying voice.  
  
- They talk more than you; only about friends and friendship.  
  
- They play "skitso".  
  
- They play fairy-tale; like they are the pharaoh of ancient Egypt and you're the evil preist.  
  
- They have "friends" with one/some/all the above symptoms.  
  
Once you have found your prey, circle them. Study their habits from a safe distance. What is their hair color? Who are they with? What are they wearing? What do they look like?  
  
When you have the answers to these questions, you sneak up behind them. They'd call it being cowardly, but it's actually strategic. Now you surprise them. Ask them who they are, but be polite AT FIRST; you want to catch them off guard. Then go in with a SMALL conversation, and once they say something that you dissagree with or cut to your wick, go in for the kill. You can insult them any way you like. Here are a few comman combos:  
  
They say things about something you're not comfortable with, like your past = You get angry and tell them to shut up, the pipsqueak.  
  
They invite you to an arcade or someplace for an outing = You snub off the lowlifes.  
  
They ask you about something you have = You get proud in the explanation, and say it's better than theirs. But if they don't have it/one, say that they're too poor and it's better than anything they have.  
  
You of course, don't have to stick to one target at a time. You can easily diss a group of people using the same principles.  
  
Exercise: Look through magazines and point out which ones arethe worst models and why. And/or watch movies and insult the actors you don't like, and ALWAYS remember: there must be a reason that they should be dissed, from obvious faults right down to gut feeling. 


	4. Lesson Four

Death T-2: |-D It has come to my attention, for the first time, what words were used in Lesson 1. I would like to formally apologize for my Seto-clone's language; and hopefully it woun't happen again.  
  
Seto: Hmph.  
  
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Lesson Four: People you should leave alone  
  
In the previous lesson I showed you what to look for in a potential target. In this lesson, you will learn who to leave alone. You may ask, "Why should I leave anyone alone? They all deserve disrespect." That fact is absolutely true, but trust me on this one; there are some people you shouldn't mess with. At least not face-to-face.  
  
  
  
Now, look at a crowd of people and look through them as though you're looking for a target. But if you see a grown man in a rediculous costume, like a clown or a dog or a guy with silver hair and a red suit, LEAVE THEM BE. They are probably psychos that want to rape, murder, and steal you soul. If you see a very thin, but healthy, man wearing tighter clothing, RUN AWAY! They're probably gay. ~|-P Ick... But if you really need/want to get rid of them; whip out your fancy walky-talky, tell Mac there's a disturbance in the setup, and in notime the creep will be surrounded and thrown out.  
  
But say, for instance, that you are somehow swarmed and surrounded by these freaks of nature. What do you do? There are several answeres:  
  
Outcome A) You look them squarely in the eyes and say something like, "I don't have time for this, let me pass." Then shove your way past them.  
  
Outcome B) If you can't shove past them and/or they start to close in, give them another warning shot. If they STILL close in, act like a skitso and go into a rabid rampage (you might want to drool and growl to add emphasis).  
  
Now the freaks are scared and run away. But in other circmstances these may be religeous and detirmined freaks...  
  
Outcome C) Look and figure out which religon they are, then claim that if they touch you their god (Fill in the blank) will be angry and will torture them.  
  
Outcome D) Claim that you are the devil incarnate, then if they persist go into a rabid rampage.  
  
In some rather rare cases you may be swarmed by fans, we will cover this subject in your next lesson.  
  
Now let's say that one particular creep is freaking you out and you're starting to lose your cool about it. First of all DO NOT see a psychiatrist, they are thirty times worse than your original problem and really weird and scary. Second, remember that you can handle all of your problems. Now examine this wacko, like he was a dissing target. Get all the gory details and report him for being psychalogically unfit and dangerous to the public's well-being.  
  
Any worse problems than this are not allowed on air. But if you feel that you have such a case, E-mail me. I can help you out- if I feel like it.  
  
.  
  
Exersize: Read some horror stories, carfully noting what happened to the people that openly disclaimed thewhatever-the-scary-thing-was. Or watch an equally grotesque film. You'll probably find these in the rated R section, but you'd better not be scared watching the dumb things. Tough it's probably a good idea to watch them in the morning untill afternoon, and not righ before bed. 


	5. Lesson Five

Seto: Desist from eluding from your at-home assignments, or be chary and fastidious when doing so as to not be found in criminality. Unless you happen to be a zorille, then how can you be reading this?  
  
Death T-2: He meant do your homework unless you're an animal.  
  
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Lesson Five: Dealing with fans  
  
OK, in the first lesson I mentioned that the dead-sexy good looks would help you get fans, in lesson 2 you build your image which would mean even more fans, and in the previous lesson I warned that you may be taken by fans [these kind of fans are know as RFGs, or Rabid Fan Girls/Guys]. There are dozens and dozens of ways to attract thest RFGs. Her are some general basics:  
  
Already you have fans because you are obseenly rich and are dead-sexy, so you should have bodyguards around your person at all times.  
  
They will be attracted to you from miles around. Don't be supprised if they wear clothes with you on them or have dolls of you.   
  
You can always give clones of yourself to them which should make most of them very happy, though for some that won't be enough...  
  
They will basically hang onto your very words, which sorta makes them servant-like.  
  
You will often see them being "very fond" of the ground you walk on.  
  
You can always just be yourself.  
  
And I'm sure that you can figure out some original ways of attracting RFGs.   
  
IMPORTANT!: You always want to be on the good side of an RFG, a good way to do so is to diss people that they don't like. Or go on a date with one that seems appealing, just keep it secret to the other RFGs.  
  
So now you have RFGs glomping you in their dreams. And you want to get rid of them. But, to tell only the absolute truth, there is no actual known way to get rid of RFGs. You can't kill yourself because:  
  
A) That's stupid.  
  
B) You wanted them in the first place and,  
  
C) They'll just bring you back, in whatever form they please.  
  
It should hit you right now that you are cursed to be a glomping favorite. But there is an up-side to these primitive beings:  
  
- They love you, so you can go to bed every night feeling loved.  
  
- They will protect you and kill anyone that dares to insult you behind your back-- yet let you fend for yourself (in a way).  
  
- Even if you insult them, it will only make them like you more for being youself and dissing them, aka: they feel lucky when YOU-- their favorite person-- insults them.  
  
Exercise: No real exercise, just be your own rich sexy popular self. So eat some ice-cream or something. 


	6. Test Number 1 Info

Death T-2: As I have said before, This is SETO KAIBA writing this. My Seto Kaiba. I also have Seto Mistugi and Yami Seto, abd others but they aren't Seto so I won'tmention them here. But I'm off subject which I tend to do alot so anyway I guess I'll let my Seto Kaiba tell you what's going on in this lesson which... Seto?  
  
~~  
  
Seto: She was saying that this really isn't a lesson. Nope. I've decided that every 5 chapters there will be a test. Yes, a test. C'mon... I'm Seto Kaiba, remember? Owner and CEO of Kaiba Corp. Of course I'd give you a challenge in the form of a test. But this isn't the test. The only way that you can pass is to go to:  
  
http://www.quizilla.com/  
  
And take SKfantheXTREME's quiz entitled:  
  
Seto's Guide to Dissing People Test #1  
  
Yes, I know it's at Quizilla, but it's really a test! SERIOUSLY!!! And when you do take the test, you'll get a picture of the chihuahua in a dorky outfit. For practice.  
  
But be sure to rate the "quiz". Ratings are equivelant to reviews. So be nice, for the test writer/author. Me and Death T-2. But mainly me. And I could go further but you're not that expirienced yet, so no reason wasting energy if you won't understand it.  
  
Now, take the test! 


	7. Lessons 6 and 7

Death T-2: =^_^= Congrats if you passed the test!  
  
____  
  
OK, Now things get a bit tougher. You know that test was EASY, because I wouldn't expect you to handle more than that. You might've been able to, but not everyone is on the same page. The next test will be ALOT tougher; believe you me.  
  
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Lesson 6: The Looks  
  
Now you are gonna learn the different looks. You already have the hauty look, but there are OTHER looks that add insult to any occasion. for example, one of the stupidest things you can do is to use the hauty look after someone else says something like, "Is THAT your suite?!" or, "I think it's past your curphew." Yep, if you give that look after that insult you're gonna look like you're damn proud of your multi-colored needle-point sweater. NOT GOOD. So I've devised a simple list of looks to give in a simple descriptive format, and what kinds of insults go with them:  
  
`  
  
`  
  
~Pride = A cocky smile and a slight toss of your head.  
  
Use this when displaying your cool technological toy to the public, and/or when trying it out on your enemy/opponent  
  
.  
  
~Confident look = You are completely relaxed and have a slight grin.  
  
This is most usefull when toying with your opponent. If you need inspiration, just keep saying in your head, "I know something you don't know." over and over again.  
  
.  
  
~"That's a shame" = You do a fake pity look thing by using youur eyebrows and lips, perhaps making a "dissappointed" sound.  
  
This ultimately adds insult to injury. I'd use it when I sent Yugi's favorite moster to the graveyard irriversably, but use it when it applies to whatever situation you end up in.  
  
`  
  
`  
  
Lesson 7: The Looks-- continued  
  
There are other looks yet to be invented, perhaps by YOU. But the ones listed above are just several, and are JUST giving out randomly. These next several are "return looks"; looks you give when someone says or does something to you.  
  
`  
  
`  
  
~"I'm so scared" = The same looks as "that's a shame" but dropping the "dissappointed" sound, and you might want to shiver slightly and make an "Oooo..." sound.  
  
Used when someone threatens (or tries to threaten) yourself. Like if they threaten to expose that you're the devil incarnate (HA!).  
  
.  
  
~Shocked to laugh = You suddenly try to stifle laughter.  
  
Most commonly used when someone shows their "most treasured posession" that turns out to be crap or something you'd consider embarrassing. Go wide-eyed, hunch over slightly, raise your fist to your mouth as if you've sneezed or coughed, and shake as the fits of laughter fight to become exposed. It doesn't matter if you keep it hidden or if you laugh outright; you've made your point.  
  
.  
  
~"Are you talking to ME?" = Look at target sternly, maybe with slight disgust and/or slight shock.  
  
Someone you don't like has just said something. It doesn't really matter what he/she said, but they sure said something to you, and you should darn well look at them like they're from Pluto. How DARE they speak to you-- the most feared person in the *fill in the blank* industry like that! And without your permission, either!  
  
~*  
  
*~  
  
Exercise: Use the mirror again. Play a movie or a radio program (not anything stupid) but look into the mirror. When you feel someone should be insulted with your face, do it in the mirror. And when someone says something, take it personally. An easy way is to pretend to be the main character. But for crap's freaking sake LOCK THE DOOR!!! 


	8. Lesson 8

Seto:You have such a stupid moniter. You know that?!  
  
D T-2: Don't get mad at it! Moniter can't help it if Moniter dies!  
  
Seto: My computer's better.  
  
D T-2: Then get me a new one! Mine's 5 friggin' years old!  
  
Seto: No.  
  
D T-2: gggggrrrrrrrrrr...  
  
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Lesson 8: Getting Your Message Across  
  
So you're talking to someone, and that someone just doesn't seem to get it. Now we've all been there; that stock broker, that stupid kid at school, that dumb parent of yours, the bus driver, the list goes on AND ON.  
  
So what do you do? Easy... Whatever you have to!! Most of the time that would be insult them. But of course you need to use big long words that will confuse them. One of my favorite words to use is "bletherospasm" because it's really interesting and Joey has no clue what it means. What is a bletherospasm, you may ask? I'll give you a clue: Yami Yugi has bletherospams were most people don't have muscles. That's right, a bletherospasm is an eye twitch. Gotta love those medical dictionaries!  
  
  
  
Back to the subject. To that ignorant mass that you're trying to explain something to, you need to say something like, "People like you are the reason bletherospasm support groups were created." and be sure to shake your head in dissappointment to add emphasis. If the person is really starting to annoy you hold your head like you have a bad headache and say, "You're starting to give me bletherospasms!" and say it as if you're wincing from pain, or say it angerally.   
  
Another good word is "tragum", also from the medical dictionary. The tragum is that front thing at the opening of the ear. So if you get tired of listening to pointless babble, such as in a business meeting, just hold you tragums shut.  
  
But, say for instance, the person you're communicating with needs injury to insult; then what do you do? Since I don't want to seem sexist I'm letting Death T-2 tell you for all you woman dissers out there.  
  
~*~  
  
OK! First situation is where a girl is sitting somewhere with her boyfriend and he's doing something she rather not him be doing. What you need to do to grab his attention is to pinch his inside thigh. He'll probably bite his lip and do a little "squeak" thing. HAH! Just remember, he was probably embarassing you so he deserved it. And it's only usefull when you're sitting together.  
  
Now lessay you're getting slightly annoyed at him for some reason or another. Just do the classic thing-- swat him! But be sure the swat isn't a slap; those are two very different messages! Use the slap when he's acting like a total pervert, and then be sure to make it serious; your dignity is at stake!  
  
But what about when you're not close to him to swat or pinch? This is the part where men are most confused. You need to act as though you've been emotionally hurt, so run away crying or something. In short, you send him on a guilt trip! He'll be confused and sorry and should get you a gift. If not, he's either an insensitive jerk that doesn't deserve your company OR a smart hunk that sees right through your act and is therefor perfect for you.  
  
And when you're with your shopping friends pretty much the only option is a pillow fight or whatever soft thing is nearest.  
  
NOTE: Seto was uninvovled with these expiraments. Pointless characters were, however...  
  
~*~  
  
Now I [Seto] Shall tell you men dissers what to do, only I'm not saying anything about girlfriends because I won't tell you MY style; and most certainly NOTHING about boyfriends... X-P sick...  
  
Alright, you've just beaten this guy at the same game for the hundredth time and he still thinks you've cheated or that you're a spoiled rich kid or whatever, and he's grabbed your shirtcollar with one fist (to make himself appaer macho) and is telling you so. What you do is say, "Nice grip. Let me show you mine." then grab his wrist and throw him to the side. You remember that from Duelist Kingdom, don't you?  
  
Now the situation is where you are mentally, or actually are, laughing at a student or group of students because their Ennglish mistakes are so horrible. For instance; they try to translate/interperet the word "fantasy" [kuusoo] and it becomes "shit" [kuso]. You are not obligated in any way to help them, but you can laugh at them as much as you want unless you are in a library. And be sure to make fun of them out loud. I know that there is no physical involvment, I just wanted to share that with you.  
  
Exercise: Read stories and/or guides from other stuck-up characters, such as Barkura's Book of Threats and More; How to be Malik; Yami: Owner's Guide and Mantenance Manual; and pretty much anything about Ren Tao from Shaman king, but a really good story is Shaman Holidays.  
  
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D T-2: I'm wondering if I should do a one-shot guide. Particularly "Tristan's Guide to Being a Mechanical Monkey" so give me a vote, wouldya? 


	9. Lesson 9

D T-2: WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RESOURCES!! How are we to contimue without resources?!  
  
Seto: By resources she means reviews. Which finally some people gave. I mean, she was only asking for what? TWO?!  
  
D T-2: I'm only asking for five or ten reviews per chapter update, depends on what mood I'm in...  
  
Seto: And I'm sure everyone wants to know what I've got in store for lesson 11.  
  
D T-2: YEAH!! They're gonna love it! Tee-hee... But I might not update during the next month or so 'cus I'm making my entry for Tokyopop's 3rd Rising Stars of Manga contest! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!  
  
Seto: ANYWAY, we ARE open for questions. So ask what you want, we're bound to answer them. Most likely. And, no; if you did eat ice-cream from lesson five you shouldn't lose your sexy figure-- unless you had an entire gallon. But hopefully, you people KNEW better than to do that.  
  
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Lesson 9: Coming Up With Original Insults  
  
Hopefully you've taken the liberty to come up with insulting commenmts on your own instead of copying me exactly. It's very important to have your own unique way of getting the better of others. My way is rather complicated and involves actual brainpower. "E = Mc squared" and all that whatnot. It's easy for me because I do well in math and science (and all my other subjects) and serves its purpose when it comes to defragmenting holographically enhanced electronic 3-dimmensional imaging. I also use my extreme wealth to stay on the up-side of situations.  
  
But let's say you aren't like that and your best subject is not complicated formulas and is actually in the phisically active world of sports or whatever. What you need to do is view dissing as the game you're best in or whatever you're best in. Soccer, for example. Your target/opponent/victim is the goalie and you're trying to shoot the goal (the insult). Use the "strategies" from previous lessons to approach your opponent and execute the score. That's simpler thinking, isn't it?  
  
Now the actual insults could be simple or complicated, whichever you prefer. Another thing you need to decide upon when choosing the insult is if you want your target to understand the insult and get angry, or left in the dark to ponder your words (as with "bletherospams"). Either way, it's fun to see the look on their face!  
  
I don't think I should tell what you should base the dissing on, because I already told you. Appearence, actions, and responses are some of the things you can use to your advantage. But be sure to take the proper initiative and be cautious as I've told you. But if they're ugly it's really hard not to say anything.  
  
Excersize: Hang low and watch how other people insult others, and what the response was according to the variable data. But if you're approached by someone, act accordingly or deny it and tell them to mind their own business and/or bug off. 


	10. Lesson 10

D T-2: ARIGATO for all the reviews! **Murazaki gets cookie for review #50** And Bo gets an apple!  
  
Seto: You're giving her HORSE a response. You are wasting my time. You're almost not worth it.  
  
D T-2: NANI?!! I've got BLACKMAIL pics of you and I'm NOT afraid to use them!!  
  
Seto: What pics?  
  
D T-2: The one of you in a peacock costume AND the one of you in a pink puffy dress!  
  
Seto: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU?!  
  
D T-2: Because I'm evil. And as for the questions...  
  
friend of no one: Quizilla really needs to fix that -_-+ And that threat doesn't bother me at all, I actually like it! As for the dictionary situation... lemme see, I will include that in a lesson somewhere, but you can always use a MEDICAL dictionary or a dictionary of a different language. But if you can't get one, fear not. Bluffing futher knowledge and GETTING further knowledge are coming!  
  
Silent Angel Dark Night: o.O Your Seto's just fine, but I'll keep mine. Say hi to Nyokina and Ryokina for me!  
  
Jessica Messanger of the Devil: I GOT REVIEWS FROM YOU!!! OMG!! Anyway, I think I'll keep the title (maybe lemmethink), cuz it's about dissing people, as opposed to squirrels or something. Or I could change it... And yes it's true, I've been giving you free advertising.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
.  
  
Lesson Ten: Blackmailing  
  
By far, this is as important as knowing who to diss and when. Blackmailing is a very handy tool when you want something that's just out of your reach, so to speak. Thsi first part is how to blackmail, which is useless unless you know how on who.  
  
The first thing is who. Say that the president of another company won't give you what you want (the "who"). What you need to do is find out everything you can aboput that person; what they did, when they did it, who they're with, if they've been arrested, what their former occupation was, if they're married or have a gf/bf or both, where they went to school, where they hang out, so on and so forth, EVERYTHING. Then you go over all of the information and if there is anything that they wouldn't want to be made public, you hold that against them. If they still won't give up keep holding more against him until he does finally give in. But if there is STILL a problem, make a paper trail to them for selling/buying illegal drugs and turn them in.  
  
Now lessay someone wants to blackmail YOU. This is not good. A way to keep from being blackmailed is to keep your past a COMPLETE secret. If you can, have all your papers destroyed, except for birth certificate (unless you were adopted), recent health record, recent dental record, and all insurances. Don't let personal and private information leak out, so don't talk about it and don't write it down anywhere. And don't have any siblings or family members talk about it either. Keep on the safe side.  
  
You've taken all the steps mentioned, but someone STILL is able to blackmail you [such as a dead kid your age but younger who is trapped in a virtual reality world kidnaps you for your company and sibling]. First of all, keep a cool head. Then you need to know what it is they are threatening (what they want), and what they're using. Then erease all possibilities of that particular fact, and report them to the police for trying to blackmail you falsely with a made-up speculation. Then they get in trouble and you are free. If you have any more trouble, you're probably an idiot so go to the police and file a report that someone's blackmailing you. Unless that's something you don't want the police to know either, then I certainly don't want to know and you're on your own.  
  
If you have a question or a circumstance about junk like this or stuff we've gone over, you can E-mail Death T-2 and she'll tell you in my place. Why would I give you my address?  
  
Excersize: Try [fake] blackmailing a loval goverman. Get the loadown on him/her and act like you actually ARE blackmailing him, but actually aren't. Don't let anyone know that you're practicing this, though. In fact, it's probably best that you destroy the evidence when you're done, and keep it locked away till you are. Or you could (easily) blackmail Joey (in the dorky outfits, goblin AND dog).  
  
Seto's Guide to Dissing People Test #2 will be posted just before lesson eleven is posted.  
  
D T-2: OR IF I KNEW HOW TO SEND A LINK I WOULD SEND YOU A LINK, BUT SETO IS BEING A BUTT AND NOT TELLING ME. SOMEONE, TELL ME!!!!!! ANYONE!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!!!! 


	11. Lesson 11

D T-2: You're so kind. All of you are. Really. I try to do these things in school, but it's hard cuz I act like Yami Bakura alot, which has gotten me into trouble. THEY WANTED TO SEND ME TO COUNSELING! w  
  
Seto: I told you not to do "the bat" to that cheerleader!  
  
D T-2: Gomen, oh great ruler of my every sentrifical movement. -_-,, The masses make me angry. And I'm bipolar. grrrrrr...  
  
Seto: As for replying goes;  
manga-nut: Assuming that not many people are adopted by insane super- rich middle-agers and scarred to the point of "murder" (He was too stupid to jump out the window on his own. He kept missing), I gave the best way of getting to the top.  
friend of none: Have you not heard of "made-up phrases"? Last week D T-2 made the completely fantastic saying "initial square roots of irregular subatomic particles". Can't you?  
  
D T-2: SUTAFU! Don't discourage the resources!  
  
Seto: ........ Your friend has GOT to stop telling you about things like "stafu".  
  
D T-2: ,,,_+++ {(A little note about myself; I can't do right-out insulting cuz I usually burst out laghing at the most crucial moment, so I hafta use big, long words to insult. It's fun to see the idiotic looks...)} ____________________________________________________________________________ ____ Lesson Eleven: Further Knowledge , part 1  
For getting knowledge, you can use; A) the library B) internet C) useful television programs D) the news E) aquantences in higher positions than yourself (such as a governman) F) newspapers  
Then drill the crud out of them to get as much information as you can. But be sure you catch what they're saying. And you might want to take notes. Easy and simple, ne? , part 2  
For bluffing knowledge, as I said above, you can make suff up by putting big and complicated words together. It could be completely nonexistant, but try to plug in a meaning  
  
Ex.: "initial square roots of irregular subatomic particles" = take a subatomic particle with an abnormal makeup pattern(s) and find the square root of the basic mass of that atom devided by the number of particles.  
  
It sounds like it should be in rocket science, doesn't it? To make a large phrase or sentence like that, look in your science textbooks. If you don't have a science textbook or want to say something having nothing to do with science, get out your dictionary. Here's the formula:  
  
~~1. Look up a large noun (subject) then complicated verb (verb) then a few more large nouns and adjectives and some adverbs (the rest). Now put it all together so that it makes sense (at least halfway).  
  
Ex.: Maser devices tried to collimate your cerebral cortex, because the conceptual idea is an aliphatic presumtion to your incongruous erudition. Though I believe their mission was concluded in failure.  
  
EXTREMELY SIMPLIFIED TRANSLATION via Death T-2 Expensive scientific things tried to allain your brain, because the idea is an organic presumtion to your ridiculous knowledge. I think the procedure failed.  
  
EXTREMELY SIMPLIFIED SIMPLIFIED TRANSLATION via Death T-2 Stuff tried to make you smart, because it was assumed you are and idiot. But it didn't work. YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT.  
  
I use these all the time because A) Joey's got no clue, B) it's fun to say, C) it's even more fun to see the confused look on the insult recipiant's face, and D) it points out how stupid today's society is getting and that a select few are truly smart.  
  
As for making up a completely non-existant thing, put your grey matter to good use and think constructively. Try to make evrything sound enigmatic, you can even use make-believe words or really old words such as "erst", "Erebus", "octavo", and "zarf" (an actual word). Never use cheesey compounds like "imagician", "guitarzan", or even a dumb name like "Darcian" [I overheard Yugi calling his card that name. I was employing lesson ten at the time.].  
  
Exercise: Go take the test. Or if you can't get to it ask Death T-2 for a link (she's starting a mailing list for that). Now go all out and use your dictionary, the library, and most importantly you brain. And provide resources on your way out (she told me to say that). Record yourself saying big sentences, and redo it until you can feel the cruelty in the tape. But don't make it heartless— heartless and cruel are two VERY different things. Cruelty is meanness; heartless is "I don't give a rat's carcass so I have nothing to say to anyone about anything in a positive manner." 


	12. Lesson 12

I AM SO FREAKING SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T POSTED THIS IN SO LONG!! MY STUPID COMPUTER CAN'T CONNECT TO THE INTERNET ANYMORE, AND A GOOD, KIND FRIEND IS POSTING THIS FOR ME. Hopelessly Devoted to Seto, I owe you a hundred Seto pics for this!! Also, since I can't get on the net, NOT EVEN VISIT MY OWN AUTHOR PAGE, there will be no moer tests unless notified. gomenasai gomenasai gomenasai gomenasai.  
  
So any of you fellow authors who've asked to be on the list, a) I've no way of knowing your email address unless you tell me outright and b) there's no reason to be on a list unless you want to be on this manga mailing thing I do every month. sniff I'm so sad...  
  
"Everytime I try to fly, I fall without my wings...."  
  
Seto: OH, SHUT UP.  
  
D T-2: AAACK!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMEN!!!!!!   
  
Lesson 12: Other Lifestyles  
  
I mentioned earlier that if you want to diss properly you need a  
  
HI!!!!! I WAS REALLY BORED AND STARTED MESSING AROUND WITH BIG BROTHER'S COMPUTER AND FOUND THIS. I THOUGHT IT SUCKED SO I WROTE OVER IT!!!!!!  
  
MOKUBA'S Chapter on Getting What You Want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
ALL RIGHT!!! First off you hafta want something and you're gonna want it pretty bad. Then you ask if you can have it. If your mom or dad or legal guardian says OK, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! If they say no, then you're gonna wanna keep these in mind:  
  
1) DO THE PUPPY EYES!!!!!!!! Look really sad and look up and use a kiddie voice and say "Pretty please?" And for emphasis let your lower lip tremble JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST a little.  
  
2) PESTER!!!!!!! Bug 'em for it!!! ANd never give up!!  
  
3) THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM!!!! Only the immature and spoiled types can get away with this!  
  
4) ASK THEM FOR IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! "Can I have it please?" "Can I have it please?" "Can I have it please?" "Can I have it please?" "Can I have it please?" so on and so forth.  
  
5) BARGAIN!!!!!!! Do extra chores or whatever. Or put up half the money.  
  
6) THEN IF THAT DOESN'T WORK DO THESE ALL THE WAY HOME AND CONTINUE.  
  
Of course you can butter 'em up with a buncha "thanks" and "Your the best mom/dad/legal guardian/whatever EVER!"  
  
And if none of that works...WHAT THE HEY DID YOU ASK FOR???  
  
UH-OH. BIG BROTHER'S COMING!!!! AND WITH DEATH T-2!!!!!!!! IF THEY FIND THIS I'M DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
and don't forget the excersize. 


End file.
